With Rhii sitting at 78, so close to 80 I can taste it, I’m on the verge of deciding to hold back. To cool off. To take a break. To give her a rest. To drag my feet.
I’m extremely torn about it.
Here’s what happened. I started dating a WoW-player. Now Elleiras met her boyfriend in Underbog. They raid together, I believe. But not all WoW couples have to do things the same in game to get along okay outside it. Sideshow and Syrana seem to do well enough. Aurdon and Adreanna too. And Gevlon and his gf both play the game, though she quit raiding and he keeps it up.
My significant other rerolled to play on my server. His old server was where he’d played with his ex, and I can’t say I blame him for wanting to leave it. I like that we are into the same games. I like being able to link items to him in chat and talk over skype while we’re both questing. I like that aspect of it a lot. When he did it, I was having kind of a burn out phase with Rhii, she was stuck at about level 67 and had been for a month or so. I told him when he did it, that I didn’t know when I’d feel like playing Rhii again, but that she was always going to be my main and that I wouldn’t hold her back for him (or any other reason).
He rolled his little druid and I rolled a pally and we leveled them together to about level 25 or so. Which is when he took off like a rocketship and streaked through the levels fater than I thought humanly possible. My paladin struggled up to 30, then I caught a second wind with Rhii and off I went questing toward 80.
Skip forward about two months from the day we rolled those level 1s. Rhii is sitting at 78, Naelian’s at 72. He’s done in two months what it took me a year to manage. And I’m FINALLY doing what I want to in game. I get group invites, I’m making friends with other players I’ve PUGged with, so I don’t get so many “deathtard” tanks anymore. I’m addicted to the argent tournament. I’ve got my very first purple (granted, it’s crafted and I made it myself, but it is PURPLE!). I’m feeling powerful and successful and my adrenaline is at an all time high when I step through an instance portal.
And he’s upset.
He doesn’t want me to get so far ahead of him, he feels like I’m intentionally leaving him behind. That I’m determined to do as much content as possible before he has an opportunity to do it with me. That I’m being competitive. But I’m not intentionally trying to stay ahead of him. I am just on a roll. I just love instances. I just want to do my quests before they turn green. After all, he’s HAD an 80 before.
But what really concerns me is that I don’t think we’re going to want to do the same things at end game. His last 80 definitely didn’t do the things I was interested in. He loves Wintergrasp. I’ve never been in a bg in my life and I’m scared to death to try. He hates dying more than I do, I don’t mind wiping in dungeons if it’s because something’s a challenge (although I hate stupid unnecessary deaths as much as the next person). I want to get into heroics as soon as is humanly possible, and when he had his last 80 I don’t think he had never completed one. I don’t mind PUGging if it gets me where I want to go, he doesn’t particularly like playing with strangers and he hates talking in public channels like Trade or LFG. I hoard up money for things I consider really important (I still had money in the bank after buying cold weather flying and dual spec in one week) he is constantly buying armor upgrades in the AH. I want to read and learn and do things the most efficient way possible even if it’s already been done before. He likes to figure things out for himself and to do things his own way. I want to RAID….
Here’s an example of our differing attitudes to the game. We both went off to steal the Horde flames for the Midsummer achievement. We had some hilarious deaths, we had some frustrating deaths — especially in Orgrimmar and Silvermoon. I was loving it. I laughed, I made rude gestures at the Silvermoon guards from a hidden spot in the fountain, I took screenshots. Eventually I got all the flames. He was stressed, frustrated, angry, and convinced that he wouldn’t be able to succeed. He eventually got all the flames too. But even with the two hardest achievements under his belt (stealing the flames and Ahune) he doesn’t seem inclined to try for the Flame Warden title. But he doesn’t mind dying over and over in world PvP, whereas I feel humiliated and ashamed by that. There’s nothing wrong with the way he plays. We just like different experiences.
I don’t want to feel guilty for enjoying the game the way I want to play it. And I am frustrated to be asked to wait, when I don’t really think we’ll be playing together directly all that much even when we are the same level. Is he going to limit my guild choices to where he can go too?
But for now, I’m going to shelve this concern and I am going to shelve Rhii while I wait for him to catch up. The implications on the RL relationship are so much more important just now than what my hoofed-other-self wants. But I can’t help but be just a little bit worried.
Kadomi June 30, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I can relate a bit, because playing as a couple is not always easy.
I have a long back-story to this couple thing. I played WoW, my partner didn’t, she jested if I quit smoking we could use the saved money for a WoW account for her, so I quit smoking and forced my hand. On the first day we had a huge fight, because she just spent time sleeping underneath cows and other silly things instead of getting into the game. Eventually, she discovered the game on her own terms, got hooked, and eventually we raided together, as active officers in our guild.
When 3.0 came out, Blizzard changed the destruction warlock fundamentally, and WoW lost its luster for her. Come WotLK, she changed mains, and leveled like a snail. My main already hit 80 and I picked my shaman to level to 80 with her. The more I urged her to play with me, the less she played. The more upset I was about it, the more angry she got about this meaning so much to me.
Today, she just switched from feral druid to balance druid as main spec, and happily raids or runs a heroic or two a week with me. That’s the only times she logs on, and I guess that’s fine. We no longer talk about WoW and plan raids and theorycraft together like in the past, but I have learned to let go. The less pressure, the happier she is to actually still play the game with me, and that’s what matters, us being happy.
.-= Kadomi´s last blog ..Champion times two =-.
Rhii June 30, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Thanks Kadomi… I think I’m gonna play around with a DK while I wait. I can’t stand the thought of going back and playing one of my <40 alts for a week or two. I've gotten too hooked on Outland and Northrend.
.-= Rhii´s last blog ..I Don’t Want to Read about WoW Today =-.
Psynister June 30, 2009 at 2:13 pm
My wife’s a dedicated, one-toon-at-a-time raider. I’m an altoholic leveling/farming fanatic. My wife hates PvP, I happen to love it. For my wife the game doesn’t start until you hit level 80, for me the game ends when I hit level 80. My wife loves to heal, I happen to hate it. My wife likes to play gnomes, I like to eat gnomes.
On our old server my character only saw my wife’s when we happened to be in Dalaran at the same time. We’re not in the same guild, we don’t quest together, we don’t farm together, we basically do everything separately. When she needs a portal or a glyph, I hook her up. When I need gems, she hooks me up. That’s about as far as we went together on that server.
On our new server, our mains are in the same guild, but neither of us actually have any desire to play those toons and we still don’t actually do things together. For the most part she’s actually lost a lot of interest in the game in general. She’s playing alts now on various servers. We’ve spent almost all of our time since we started on horde toons and she’s leaning more towards Alliance now. Since I don’t give a flip about alliance, we once again find ourselves playing the same game at the same time, but not together.
When we do play together she gets frustrated or hurt when I get ahead of her. If I gain a level that she doesn’t, she wants me to slow down. If I finish a quest before she does, then she wants me to stop and wait for her to catch up. That doesn’t bother me, I play the game just as much for the social aspect of just hanging out with people as I do for leveling. But the flip side of that is, she doesn’t mind a bit having her character be higher level than me, and she doesn’t like coming back to help me with a quest I haven’t finished yet.
Don’t take that the wrong way, I find it more amusing than I do anything else, but it’s another example of odd behavior from someone you know you’re never actually going to spend much time with in-game. I couldn’t even tell you how many characters I’ve started leveling up with my wife and then one or the other of us just gives up on the character leaving the other alone for whatever reason. We have different expectations and definitions of what we should be doing when we’re leveling/playing “together” and so it just doesn’t mesh well. I like to level quick, but I do it for the sake of seeing my character progress rather than getting to end game content. My wife likes to level quick, but at the same time doesn’t like to rush through everything, and yet she really only loves end game raiding. But we both know that in the end we play this game for different reasons and so we would never mesh well together for very long. We share some similarities here and there, but our end goals are different.
So we both play the same game, we both play at the same time, and generally on the same server and same faction. And yet, we don’t play together. We mesh well in the World of Realism, but not in the World of Warcraft.
.-= Psynister´s last blog ..Hunter Leveling: 1-20 =-.
We Fly Spitfires June 30, 2009 at 3:14 pm
My wife hates these sorts of games so I don’t think I’d ever get her to play. TBH I’d find it a bit weird anyway. I’m lucky enough that she tolerates me spending so much on the computer
.-= We Fly Spitfires´s last blog ..The Philosophy Of Friendship =-.
Shawndra June 30, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Hubby and I play on the same server, in the same guild. I find I barrel through things faster, where he is interested in things in spurts. Interest of the moment? Farming shards so that we can buy heirloom shoulders and level up a pair of paladin together. When he loses his interest in WoW and goes to Battlefield Heroes or some other game, I fire up an alt on the other side. It keeps the anger at me getting ahead at bay, because I’m not getting ahead, I’m leveling an alt. It lets me delve into projects I’ve always wanted to try. Reputation grinds at early levels, achievements as early as possible, collections started early, saving money for the next set of mounts and training…. I have tonnes of projects I can get into that don’t make me pull ahead of the hubby in any way.
Hubby has been playing too much Battlefield Heroes lately, and I am more attached to my alliance alt than my main. I guess there is a drawback to everything!
.-= Shawndra´s last blog ..Changing Sides Of The Conflict. =-.
Syrana June 30, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Your post has inspired too many words to spill forth from my brain. A post response will published tomorrow.
.-= Syrana´s last blog ..Following Clues (RP) =-.
Nevis July 1, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I can understand what you’re feeling. My fiance was playing WoW when we met…then he took a break on it…he had a character at lvl 63. Now we’re getting into it…he’s still got the lvl 63, but he started a new character to play through with me. I’m finally at lvl 34 and really getting into it. I can’t wait until we’re both 80 together. He definatly enjoys PvP more than I do. I love doing instances, so I’m pretty sure I’ll enjoy doing raids once I get high enough level to do them. I don’t mind PvP, but it’s not going to be my focus. We do stuff together but we also do stuff apart. I do enjoy it more when we’re playing together and lvling up & questing together.
It doesn’t upset me that he’s so much higher than me, but he sometimes gets upset in (what I think) are odd ways. Honestly, he’ll get upset if I’m not playing the game in the manor which he plays it. He refuses to sell stuff for me on the AH because he says that selling stuff on the AH is PART of the game and one of the most fun parts. I told him that I don’t find the AH house fun and since he finds it so amusing, why doens’t he sell my stuff for me? Seriously we had a huge fight over this. Isnane, right?! LOL…in the end, I won, and he sells my stuff for me. I mean, honestly, I don’t understand him. It’s like…if I don’t play the game the way HE plays it, I’m not doing it right. Men, right?
.-= Nevis´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Rochominoff July 1, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Hi Rhii,
taking a “timeout” with a DK is probably a good idea since your BF seems so interested in shared play this will allow him to catch up.
But I foresee trouble coming – the differences in playstyle you list are significant and may spell long term disagreement and frustration for both of you.
You could alleviate that a bit if you both branch out.
For instance you could try some BGs (start with Arathi Basin – this is a simple “kill people/camp the base” BG). I didn’t try one till I was level 60. It was pure adrenalin. I never had so much fun fighting mobs – players are much more interesting (and tricky).
Get you BF into some heroics! Violet Hold is easy and fast. They’re not THAT much harder (once you’re 80 that is) and the rewards are much much better.
My point is that you two should reject whole sections of the game because you’ve never tried it.
Alden July 1, 2009 at 6:51 pm
The girl I dated for 5 years and I started playing wow together last spring. I bought the game, got an alli human mage to level 11, and then she bought the game.
She wanted to play with me, I wanted to play with her. Since my mage was level 11 (I had walked to Darnassus to meet a RL friend once already and hated it completely) and she wanted to start a Draenii, I decided to start a Draenii too.
She got a draenii hunter, I got me a priest (and yes, she had a guy toon, and I had a girl toon… no idea why). We set those two toons aside as “our toons”. We only played them when we could play together. Neither of them did a single quest without the other person. Accordingly, they would always ding together. It was cute. (gchat, “Lyradamir: Ding!” “Saila: Ding” then a chorus of “you guys are so cute” would usually follow)
I still leveled my mage, and she picked up a rogue. I did pvp on my mage. She spent a lot of time fishing on her rogue. But, we always did everything on the draenii together.
It was great. We had SO MUCH FUN that way. Till she left me after 5 years for another guy she met… but thats a different story.
So, my advice: have a “my toon” and an “our toons”. It is so much fun doing all the same quests and everything with the significant other. Leveling those two toons was by far the funnest time leveling I’ve ever had. Play the “our toons” only when you both feel like questing. Play the “my toon” when the gf/bf/husband/wife isn’t around, or is having fun doing their own thing.
Kousoku July 1, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I can relate. I came from Ragnarok Online, years ago–my ex-girlfriend and I had played together (had met on RO), and with our RO guild dying, we moved to WoW.
It was the biggest mistake I ever mad, and also the best thing I ever did. The problem was this: I had a job, 9-5, she did not. She was able to spend much more time leveling and playing, than I was; I’d come home and she’d be 3 levels higher, 4, 5, and so on. She told me she wasn’t trying to get ahead of me–that I could still ‘hang with her’.
Even back in vanilla, I knew it wasn’t true. I tried to prove it to her. I didn’t want her to stop leveling her main for me–I just wanted to be able to play with her.
Eventually she left me–and started dating a guy she met… via WoW. Someone she’d claimed she -wasn’t- getting interested in.
At least she didn’t get with him before me–or so she says.
I’m glad to see you’re taking steps to save the relationship. It wasn’t until we’d broken up that I saw that she never tried.
anonymous July 2, 2009 at 10:45 am
In RL my hubby hate wow so we dont play together. I am sure he would love wow to go away he hates it so much. But he loves me enough to endure it.
But me and my BFF Loved playing togther and while he was 60 before i even dared to play In the end we both hit 70 together. We had all kinds of fun Pre-BC and during BC his attutidue changed. It was hard for me ot play have and have great time and being able to enjoy myself at 70 and raiding. He just went to alt leveling and complaining all about wow and there ways. It was hard to even enjoy being with him in-game. it was to stressful. I even would try to level an alt for him and other creative ways to gethim back into playing with me.
Now he does not play and I am still happy playing wow for over 4 years. even though i miss him, and i miss all the stuff we did together, we still have each other in RL.
No matter what the game brings you it may not be for the other person. Enjoy your game! Its your game. RL will always work its way out. If you choose to stop having your fun for someone else to enjoy themselves its wrong.
In RL my hubby knows what joy my *alone time* gives me in wow and when i am happy he and the kids are happy. My BFF is happy when i am happy Vica Versa.
Enjoy YOUR game. Enjoy YOUR Life!
albinosquirel July 2, 2009 at 12:19 pm
In my opinion you should do what you want to in game. Planning on leveling characters with a significant other is fine and all, but when two people’s play styles differ in the way that you described naturally one person is going to level more quickly (probably you being pve focused).
You need to do is promise him (as you improve) that you will help him get to your level when he is at that stage. This perhaps will show to him that you are being less selfish (if that indeed is what he accused you of).
On the other side, he needs to except that two people playing such a robust game and play styles will never and should never have to agree to do everything together or the same way. Compromises on both sides are definitely needed!
I caution you that your in-game reactions to challenges and difficulties could very well be insight in to how you might react when facing similar challenges in real life. Is there a direct analogy to leveling faster and getting promoted to a job with more money and benefits before your partner does? Maybe, maybe not, but you have to see the similarities right?
Play it carefully but also take care of yourself!
Eury July 2, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I guess the grass is always greener!
My bf does not play WoW and is not really interested. I wish sometimes that he was a gamer. I sometimes think I would get less guilt trips about playing. While generally he is pretty understanding and lets me ramble about game stuff when I get carried away, he goes through phases where I’m consistently reminded “it’s just a game”. And yes, while it’s just a game I also find much enjoyment in running a guild and raiding, it’s fun! I haven’t warded off everything else irl, I still enjoy going out, I don’t mope during a greater than 2 week vacation w/o WoW . . . I’m not cooped up 24/7 playing WoW. It’s just a hobby and while sometimes the griefing gets under my skin, normally I just let it go. That’s why I think maybe, just maybe, if he played – he’d understand . . . Then again is this phase any different than one of my crazy mood swings? Nah, not really.
So as I read this post it reminds me that it would drive me crazy if my bf and I did EVERYTHING together. I’d never have any “me” hobbies. The issues I have with a non-WoW’ing bf are no better and no worse that those that WoW’ing couples deal with. . .the issues are just different.
The important thing that a lot of people have already stated is that the rl part comes first. Three years together and 2 years of WoW later – things are still great despite the gamer/non gamer thing
.-= Eury´s last blog ../raid Casual Chatter =-.
Egeria July 3, 2009 at 7:16 am
Ok – I know that situation exactly – myself and my partner went through the same thing but opposite way around. I level quite slowly by his terms, and he’s an altaholic. It used to really frustrate me when he’d get a few levels ahead of me – the quests that I was doing at the time he’d already moved on from, and so on.
So at the time, he started playing other characters, and set aside one character that he could play at the same time as me. I was allowed to level ahead on my own on that character, and he’d catch up on whatever I’d done within a day or two.
How about going back and doing some of the lower level dungeons with him as he levels? You won’t get as much XP gains as he would, with it being lower level, but it’ll help to make the PuG experience a little easier on the group.. higher level players always help
As for the end game – well, there are many different types of guilds out there, and you can probably find one that balances both of your interests well.
The guild I’m in is pretty varied – we raid 10 mans, a good section of us like PvP (i hate PvP, find it very frustrating), and I spend a lot of my time getting achievements. It works out well, because I can watch over his shoulder as he decimates some-arena-team-or-another, but i don’t have to go through the pain of running arenas and battlegrounds myself
We used to be in a very hardcore 25-man raiding guild, but ever since we moved to this guild, we realised exactly how much fun varying the game up can be – I can definitely say from experience that its not ‘limiting’ to avoid guilds that focus on one specific goal only.
.-= Egeria´s last blog ..Hogger’s back… =-.
Rhii July 4, 2009 at 10:12 am
@Psynister – yeah that sounds a lot like what I’m talking about.
Glad to hear it is working for you.
@Spitfires – does that give you a whole different set of arguments, or is she understanding of your WoW habit?
@Shawndra – That sounds like it works well… Here’s the thing though, at the risk of sounding awful, I’ve had Rhii longer than I’ve had my BF. I **DON’T** think that my WoW goals are more important than my RL relationship, but if someone came along and suggested I change any other major hobby I enjoyed, I’d be really upset. My mother is an avid horsewoman… my dad only rides a little. She’ll make time for him to ride with her, but he doesn’t (and shouldn’t) insist that she shouldn’t ride without him. I don’t mind setting aside a toon to play only with him, but I don’t think it should have to be Rhii. I don’t want to be pushed to a “side project” any time he’s not there.
@Nevis – Yes, that’s about the size of it! Except I LOVE the AH.
@Rochominoff – I suppose I could try a BG
. He’s not really a hardcore PvPer or anything, he just loves Wintergrasp. And I don’t think that he objects, per se, to doing any kind of heroics, I think his guild just happened to not be running any while he had his 80. The two biggest differences in our playstyle are these: I will look for strangers to help me if I want to do something bad enough, he prefers to only seek company from his guild/acquaintances…. if his guild isn’t running heroics he probably isn’t, if they are he probably is; and he wants to SEE content, like having a tour of Naxx or OS (he loves the lore). While he’d rather do it at an appropriate level, he’s not all that cut up about going back when he outlevels it in a later expansion just to see the place (he’d like to run Hyjal and Sunwell for the lore sightseeing sometime soon). But I want to WIN the content, if you know what I mean. I want the challenge of doing it right. So that’s the difference, mostly, more than me not wanting to try pvp or him not wanting to do group pve… it’s that the WAY we do things is different.
.-= Rhii´s last blog ..PvPainful =-.
Rhii July 4, 2009 at 10:27 am
@Alden – YES, yes yes yes! This is the point I’ve been trying to make the whole time. I don’t mind having “our toons”… I don’t mind having a whole FLEET of “our toons”. I want one toon that is MY toon. Problem being, I want Rhii to be MINE…he would like it if our mains were OURS. Therein lies my problem.
Also, sorry to hear about your relationship, that sounds like it must have been a really tough time.
@Kousoku – wow, that sounds awful. Yeah, I know it’s weird to think that fights about WoW could potentially hurt a relationship that badly, but honestly, I think anything that makes one person resent the other has a lot of disruptive power. I am being really careful with that… and he and I have discussed this blog post quite a bit so I think the situation has come to some kind of truce. When I was talking about joining a raiding guild, he thought I wanted to raid for five hours a night, six days a week or something Ensidia-like. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’d like to find something a little more casual… ten mans are fine by me, a couple (2 or 3) nights a week are fine by me, I don’t want the bleeding edge… I just want to be somewhere in the front half, you know? That understanding cleared up a lot.
@anonymous and @albinosquirrel – Know what I’ve discovered through this whole situation? I REALLY want to give the raiding thing a shot someday. I wouldn’t have gotten so upset by the situation if I didn’t. I’m willing to compromise, especially if I am being unreasonable, but I don’t want to just roll over and change my goals… and my bf wouldn’t want me to. What I want is to do what I want in a way that he doesn’t feel threatened by. I think we’re getting to that sort of step by step.
@Eury – oh I hear you.
Either side of the fence has its own potential difficulty, it’s just that you have to find the way to work out the one you have. Thanks for the perspective.
@Egeria – your guild sounds like exactly the kind of guild we’re shopping for. I have never been a very good guild-hunter, I wish I knew how people do it. Any chance you play on Aerie Peak ally side?
.-= Rhii´s last blog ..PvPainful =-.
Dino July 7, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Been there on the same position that you are in right now and I was able to resolve it. Try tell you partner how you feel, anyways you need space to grow more, it's not necessary for you to play together. You can do your own quest, grind warcraft gold whenever you want to. He's being insecure I guess, but he need to understand that you have different overviews and things that you'd like to achieve.
rojin July 7, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I have been on the same situation as yours before and I know that it's not easy to understand the logic behind his reasoning. What you can do now is to tell him how you feel, you need a space to be the real you and do things that you like to do. Just play world of warcraft so quests and grinds warcraft gold whenever you feel so, there's should be no limitation in your relationship. He should let you grow on your own way, he should understand that you need it.
rojin July 7, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I have been on the same situation as yours before and I know that it's not easy to understand the logic behind his reasoning. What you can do now is to tell him how you feel, you need a space to be the real you and do things that you like to do. Just play world of warcraft so quests and grinds warcraft gold whenever you feel so, there's should be no limitation in your relationship. He should let you grow on your own way, he should understand that you need it.
rojin July 7, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I have been on the same situation as yours before and I know that it's not easy to understand the logic behind his reasoning. What you can do now is to tell him how you feel, you need a space to be the real you and do things that you like to do. Just play world of warcraft and grinds warcraft gold whenever you feel so, there's should be no limitation in your relationship. He should let you grow on your own way, he should understand that you need it.